ADHD is a lot of little problems that add up to one big problem. If you are the spouse of a person with untreated ADHD, whether it’s the Predominantly Hyperactive (PH), Predominantly Inattentive (PI) or Combined (C) type, there’s a good chance you feel angry, critical, burdened and over-responsible. You feel like you’re constantly nagging your spouse to do the simplest things. And if you are the spouse who has ADHD, you feel overwhelmed by the daily demands of life (and your spouse), and little by little you feel like you’re falling behind your peers in your accomplishments. More and more, you feel inadequate, maybe even like a total failure.

To see if your marital distress is being caused at least partly by your spouse’s ADHD, ask yourself these questions:

• Is your spouse chronically late to most things?
• Are they frequently misplacing and looking for keys, wallets, cell phones, etc.?
• Is your house, or a main part of it, almost always disorganized, messy and cluttered, with piles of clothes and papers that never seem to go away?
• Does your spouse seem chronically frustrated or overwhelmed by the ordinary tasks and requirements of daily life, in a way that doesn’t seem “normal”?
• Do you feel like your spouse forgets half (or more) of what they agree to do? Do you feel like they can’t say “yes” to a three-item to-do list without one or two items not getting done (and then gets defensive about it)? Do you find yourself thinking, “They’re being passive-aggressive”?
• Do you feel like you’re doing far more of the household tasks than you should have to (and not because you’re someone who needs the floor mopped every day)?
• Has your spouse started home improvement projects months or even years ago that they haven’t completed, even though they’re unsightly and/or disruptive?
• Is your spouse not employed at the level you’d expect, given their intelligence, abilities and education?
• Do they always seem to be stressed out about their work, always working harder and longer than you think makes sense, without feeling like they’re getting anywhere?
• Is the feeling that you can’t “cut through the fog” slowly driving you insane?

Answering “yes” to three or more of the above questions may indicate adult ADHD.

But first, if this looks like your spouse, ask yourself if they used to be efficient and productive. People don’t suddenly develop ADHD in adulthood. Symptoms like these could indicate severe depression. On the other hand, if your spouse has been diagnosed with depression, but has been like this for as long as you can remember and is taking anti-depressant medication that doesn’t seem to do much good, undiagnosed ADHD may be at its root.

Alcohol or substance abuse can also cause most of these symptoms. They can also accompany and exacerbate adult ADHD. If your spouse has ADHD and an alcohol or substance abuse problem, both need to be treated.