The Case of the Unfinished Bathroom
“Am I crazy? Am I too demanding? I feel like I’m going crazy, I can tell you that!”
Veronica, a 36-year-old nurse and mother of two, was talking about her husband Jerry.
“He’s sweet, he’s affectionate, he’s supportive, he’s a good father, he doesn’t stay out late or run around on me. My friends all think he’s a wonderful guy. They don’t get why I’m so upset.”
“But something must be upsetting you,” I said.
She slumped on the couch and let out a huge, exhausted sigh. “I can never rely on him for anything. He forgets 90 percent of what he agrees to do. It takes five, six, seven reminders to get him to do one thing!”
She lowered her voice. “The truth is, I make a lot more than he does. But he’s constantly stressed out about his job. He’s always having to stay really late to get his work done. And if he takes his work home, it’s almost worse, because then he completely ignores the kids.”
“He’s so smart, but he’s miserable at work, always has been. He hasn’t gotten a promotion in three years and I don’t know why. He won’t explain it.”
“And then there’s …the bathroom.”
“The bathroom?”
“Three years ago, he told me he could re-do our master bathroom for a third of the cost of getting a contractor. I told him it was a bad idea but he did it anyway. He tore out the old tub and tiles and just left it that way. He refuses to let me get someone to finish the job. We have fight after fight about it. Meanwhile I haven’t had a bath in my own bathroom in three years.
“I love him, I don’t want to leave him, the kids love their daddy, but I can’t go on living like this! What am I going to do?”
Adult ADHD – A Hidden Problem
When this system does not work as well as it should, all sorts of areas of life are affected, including work, organization, memory, time management, the regulation of emotions, and interpersonal relationships. No wonder it has such a profound effect on marriages!
Calm, Quiet — And Crazy-Making?
Your friends and family may not believe you when you tell them your spouse has ADHD. “But he’s so nice! So calm!”
But having ADHD doesn’t always, or even usually, mean being wild and reckless. That’s just one subtype: the Predominantly Hyperactive.
During early adulthood, having Inattentive ADHD may not matter much – in fact, being quirky, a little “spacey” and somewhat laid back may be rather attractive and endearing. (Think Zooey Deschanel.)
But faced with the challenges of demanding jobs and raising children, a person with Inattentive ADHD can go into overload, with often severe and debilitating consequences. (See “Does Your Spouse Have ADHD?“)
So What Can You Do?
If you suspect your spouse has undiagnosed adult ADHD, it’s very important to learn more about it and look for someone in your area who specializes in treating it. Most people with adult ADHD respond to a combination of medication and ADHD-specific counseling or coaching. It’s no fun at all having undiagnosed adult ADHD. With help, your spouse can have a happier and more successful life, and the two of you may need help together to have a happier marriage.
He was skeptical and a bit defensive at first, but the more he learned about it, the more the pieces seemed to fit. He began taking medication for it, which helped, and got coaching. As he learned how his ADHD was affecting his work life, he became more effective and productive, and he started working less hours while his self-esteem rose.
In joint sessions with Veronica, they both learned how the emotional patterns created by the ADHD had harmed their marriage, and they learned how to take better care of each other. She became less critical, and he worked at being much less forgetful and more reliable. Their marriage became close and loving again.
And she convinced him to hire a contractor to finish the bathroom.
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